Love’s Concessions

We’re all aware of the necessity for clear communication, but how many of us realize the importance of give-and-take or compromise to occur for relationships to flourish and thrive?

Each category of disability suffers a specific physiological loss in its communicative efficiency, e.g., deafness and lack of verbal speech. But universally, the abled-bodied and disabled alike, suffer a greater and more divisive element in communication: the mental and emotional disconnect of misunderstanding, conflict, and discord. For clarification, indulge me for a couple of definitions.

In civil or corporate cases, lawyers, a judge or a judge and jury serve as judiciary arbiters because a compromise—an agreement for both sides to give up something to improve a situation—couldn’t be agreed upon out of court.

Because the powers that be could not reach mutual concessions for peace in times of war, an unbiased mediator is required for a successful compromise—to find an intermediate concession. Even on a world level, The United Nations was created as an international forum to develop positive relationships, promote peace and security, and establish cooperation in solving problems around the world.

Without saying, there is a great divide on the worldwide humanitarian level with societal differences. Mediation is critical for peace. I’m honing in on our individual responsibility for compromise to maintain peace in our romantic, caregiver, and life-long relationships.

Too many of us think that the endorphin overdrive we feel when romantically drawn to someone IS love. They’re neurotransmitters. Period. If they were resultant from true love, we would live in Utopia.

While we flippantly disregard the saying, “You can’t live on love alone.” it silently heralds the importance of commitment, communication, and trust. I believe that the cornerstone for any “normal” partnership or relationship (disabled or not) is commitment; but without the mortar of communication and trust, they crumble in misunderstandings and conflict.

A relationship without these is like the Pacman game; day-to-day realities (Pacman) consume the endorphin-producing emotions, especially for spousal or significant other (SO) carer collaborations. They’re REALLY hard. When life happens, we believe we’ve fallen out of love. When in truth, we never were. It was an endorphin-induced high. We came down.            

All relationships run into difficulties, but when a spouse takes on the role of caregiver for the disabled other, it can be stress and hurt 24/7…if without compromise. Instead of idolizing the notion of what love is—longing glances, stomach butterflies, endorphin highs—then hurling blame, judgement, and criticism at each other when its intoxicating vapor evaporates, focus on character and integrity.

How does your significant other deal with conflict; with wisdom and understanding or with anger and criticism?

How do they solve problems; with a hopeful heart and hearing ears or with denial and finger-pointing?

Are they fair, kind, and honest or irresponsible and combative?

When things get tough, love is having each others’ back.

If your relationship is characterized by frequent conflicts, and you are disrespected by your significant other, give them time and the freedom to grow, just not at your emotional expense. If quarrels and resentments characterize your partnership as the 24/7 caregiver of your spouse or SO, enlist help. If not, these can develop into debilitating co-dependent dynamics, unhealthy for both.

If you are the one who doesn’t want to give to or make compromises in your relationship, at least give them the truth. Own it. Be an adult.

Even after heart-safe trust is an earned harbor, when you know a truth is necessary, but it will be hard to receive, wait until you can speak it genuinely, in love; never off the tongue rashly, sarcastically or concealed behind humor. That’s unloving, deceitful, and a stab in the back.

Instead of the give-and-take or compromise in love, I think it’s the give-and-get of love. Remember my article, “Beware: Karma—BANG! BANG! DUCK!…bang-bang-duck/ . What you give, you get in return; hopefully, it’s respect, consideration, kindness, dependability, patience, forgiveness, an available shoulder, a sympathetic ear.

Upon further consideration, if there is anything to take, how about your dishes to the kitchen, the garbage to the curb, and the dog for a walk.

I want you to be the best you! HOW TO BE THE BEST YOU-from A to Z

P.S. Here you will find a synopsis of Gary D. Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, an eye-opening explanation of how we give and interpret love. A revelatory read!


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